Now on DVD: “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”

This is a review of a movie called “Zack and Miri Make a Porno.” It is not a porno, per se, but it’s got full-frontal nudity, more profanity than a fleet of sailors on leave and it was written and directed by Kevin Smith, who makes foul-mouthed movies starring Marijuana as both the male and female leads (with plenty of cameos, too). So, if you’re looking for more cute things my cute child said, be warned. And if you’ve found your way here from a G-rated site, you may want to TURN BACK NOW. 

 Fellow herbophile Seth Rogen plays Zack, a slacker barista who lives with similarly underachieving lifelong friend Miri (Elizabeth Banks). After a gay porn star tells them video of Miri wearing giant underpants has gone viral on the Internet, they hatch a plan to get themselves out of debt by making their own porno. (Where did they meet a gay porn star? At their 10th high school reunion, naturally.)

Zack and Miri have no utility service at their apartment but they somehow hire a cameraman and a cast of strippers (played by real porn stars, which is somehow grosser than non-porn actors playing the part of porn stars). The script Zack writes is a dirty take on “Star Wars,” something I found clever until my husband informed me that it’s been done before. In fact, he gave a copy of one to a former boss for Christmas years ago.

When scenes and partners are being mapped out, Miri insists on as many “co-stars” as Zack, unleashing dormant emotions and knocking down their platonic house of cards – sending the denial, jealousy, betrayal, attraction, love and friendship flying.

If you think movie audiences have been taught this lesson before – that men and women can’t really be friends – you’re right. It’s “When Harry Met Sally,” except with language that would horrify Nora Ephron.

The exchanges where Zack tries to persuade Miri will become legend when Kevin Smith’s legion of fans get their hands on the DVD:

Porn has gone mainstream now. It’s like Pepsi or Coca-Cola, with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton. She [look, there are some things I just can't type with the same fingers I use to tie my daughter's precious little red Keds, you know?] and now she’s selling fragrances to tweens. And I’m pretty sure she’s legally retarded.

And later:

I mean, no one wants to see us fuck, Zack.
Everybody wants to see anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O’Donnell, but if someone said, “I got a tape of Rosie O’Donnell getting fucked stupid,” I’d be like, “Why the fuck aren’t we watching that right now?”
‘Cause she’s famous, hello.
So are you. You’re fucking Granny Panties.

It’s quantity, not quality, filth, but we really should cut Smith some slack. It not easy being him when the genre you labored to define (the misanthropic male adolescent flick) is being done so much better by Adam McKay and Judd Apatow. It can’t be any coincidence that Smith used as many Apatow regulars – Rogen (from both “The 40-Year-Old-Virgin” and “Knocked Up”), Banks (”Knocked Up”), Gerry Bednob (”Knocked Up” and “Walk Hard”), Craig Robinson (from “Walk Hard” and the club doorman in “Knocked Up” – “You’re just a doorman! Doorman! Doorman!”) – as he does.

Despite Smith and Rogen’s shared love of the leaf (and Jason Mewes’ presence), “Zack and Miri” isn’t a stoner movie. It also avoids the amateurish look of Smith’s earlier films. (Still, not as professional as McKay’s or Apatow’s movies. Maybe Smith needs to quit shooting in snowy, rundown places like Red Hook, NJ, and Pittsburgh. There’s a reason an awful lot of movies are made in Los Angeles.)

Smith has said in interviews that he’s finally putting the Jay and Silent Bob characters to bed, and that this “real movie” is opening doors for him. “Jersey Girl” looked pretty “real,” too. Like Woody Allen, Smith does his movies a favor when he doesn’t also star in them.

“Zack and Miri” has some really sappy plot points, and Smith puts way too much stock in teenage emotions and situations. I worry that Elizabeth Banks’ willingness to be one of the guys will hurt her career. If for no other reason, see it for Justin Long’s scene-stealing gay porn star, Brandon St. Randy.

Besides, it’s a good way to keep up with what the kids are into these days.

Coming Saturday: “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist”

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Tagged as: comedy, DVD, Kevin Smith, movies, porn, Seth Rogen