1. The TITLE. The catch phrase that never was. I’ve never heard anyone say it IRL, have you? It would be better if they could use the title that German moviegoers will see: “Er steht einfach nicht auf Dich!”!
2. The ’80s architectural elements. Six out of the nine main characters have EXPOSED BRICK in their apartments. OK, there are two couples in that group of nine, but that still means of seven households, four have EXPOSED BRICK in their apartments. And every door – in homes, offices, restaurants, bars – has a glass insert, either ribbed or pebbled glass. You expect to find a B&W private detective from a 1940s movie behind those doors.
3. Ginnifer Goodwin nervously shaking a fuzzy-slippered foot, waiting for her pink princess phone to ring. In the present day.
4. That Goodwin (who couldn’t be more adorable in this movie, btw, with her curly bob and wardrobe of sexy-ladylike dresses) would play the most clueless singleton ever portrayed on film. Gigi (a play on her real name?) is more pathetic than Bridget Jones. Bridget Jones in the SECOND movie, even.
How is it possible for an American woman over 25 to even be this naive about the timeless mating dance? Was she recently released from a convent like some well-to-do 18th century maiden?
5. Her ringtone is “Don’t You Want Me (Baby).”
6. That lines like this are being uttered in films targeting a very vulnerable audience: “What if you meet the love of your life and you’re already married? Are you just supposed to let them pass you by?” Great. Give stupid dopes hope that her boss actually will leave his wife like he keeps promising.
7. The unnamed women telling their dating horror stories directly to the camera, lending a faux credibility to “HJNTIY,” like it’s a documentary caringly created for the sole purpose of helping the poor trusting old maids of the world.
8. However, there are a few truisms, as un-PC as they are, such as: “You’re a dick if you date a girl for too long without marrying her.”
9. Justin Long, a guy with as much sex appeal as Kermit the Frog, is the movie’s alpha male. He dispenses dating advice in between romancing gorgeous women. Seriously, if Clooney were in this movie, Justin Long would be teaching him moves.
I think Justin Long is adorable, because he’s funny. But rico suave? No. His girlfriend must have produced this movie.
10. That married women – Wives. Who are married to their husbands. – have to walk on eggshells when broaching the subject of babies, lest to frighten the skittish, squirrel-like creatures.
11. The positing of Scarlett Johansson as the Marilyn Monroe of our time when really she’s only playing the latest in a series of sluts.
12. The clever Freudian slip when a guy refers to someone’s wedding as his funeral. Where was the “monotony … I mean, monogamy!” joke?
13. That EVERY gay man was so OTT fabulously, flamboyantly swishy. You have to watch what you tell the American public, especially those in square states. You don’t want them to think they’re going to be infected with something the next time they have their highlights done.
14. The trend that cheated-upon spouses need to take responsibility for their part in the affair. The affair they didn’t even get to have, yet they must make amends for.
15. That I was turned on by Bradley Cooper, the asshole of the movie. His pale blue eyes and chiseled features will remind you of falling in love with Ralph Fiennes as a Nazi officer.
16. That I paid $9.50 to watch a “Cathy” cartoon on screen. Or so I thought!
17. There are some genuine surprises and performances, namely from Jennifer Connolly, that almost redeem this misogynistic mess. It’s the cinematic equivalent of that really great paper you write that leads the professor to ask where this stellar ability has been all semester.
Now or Netflix: Good Lord. “HJNTIY” is the kind of movie Netflix was invented for.
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abdpbt 02.09.09 at 5:42 pm
LOL
sadly, there are scores of women who do quote “HJNTIY” (and they abbreviate it like that, too) to each other, endlessly, on the relationship message boards I used to be addicted to. And women still don’t get it.
But yeah, I cannot imagine this movie being any good. And Justin Long? Huh? What did I miss?
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Christine 02.12.09 at 9:11 am
Well, thanks, you’ve helped me decide where my $9.50 should go.
Christine’s last blog post..Tween Girls and "The Period Talk"- Gotcha Covered!
Liz A. 02.16.09 at 6:03 pm
Right there with ya, but my husband tells me I hate women, especially single ones. So I may be an outlier.
We went to go see Bloody Valentine: 3-D. An image of an ax flying at your head was surprisingly entertaining, atleast that kind of movie doesn’t try to make you think it’s more than it’s not.
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