Friday Quickies, Vol. 2

Again, shamelessly cribbed from inspired by the wonderful Jen F., seven easily digestible morsels as you wind down the work week.

1. Fourbucks, I mean, Starbucks, will begin selling instant coffee in select stores starting next week. Via, the java juggernaut’s “soluble coffee product,” isn’t a response to the ever-crappening economy; it’s been in development for 20 years, reportedly. (Doesn’t that seem like a long time to perfect something as lowbrow as instant coffee?) In typical Starbucks fashion, it still costs more than should be spent on a cup of coffee.

CEO Howard Schultz has even been says he’s been serving it at home to guests – and they never suspected. (”We’ve secretly switched these Seattle software magnates’ usual coffee with instant. Let’s see if they notice!”)

From what I’ve read so far, it’s unclear if Via will only be sold packaged to be prepared at home or if one will be able to order a venti Via with room for cream. It’s the latest sign that the Yuppie McDonald’s is trying to appeal to the masses – it’s already been hawking a value meal.

2. Here’s a brash take on the Octomom story: Simon Dumenco, writing in Advertising Age, suggests applying Son of Sam laws to parents of insane-order multiples so they can’t exploit their supersized brood.

Dumenco rips into not only the mom of 14 but also TLC for devoting huge blocks of programming to documenting huge families taking free vacations. But! … But! He’s not proposing taking my Duggars away, is he? How will we know who wins the “When’s That Daughter-in-Law Getting Knocked Up Already?” pool?

gwyneth-paltrow 3. Hating on Gwyneth is the new black. Her appearance on “Oprah” from last fall was rebroadcast this week, and once again the Internet is incredulous over her “denial diet” – she just doesn’t think about, and doesn’t worry about, calories or she’d be 300 pounds, she says. She eats lots of dessert and cheese, too. The video shows a clearly dubious Oprah, whom you just know is wondering how best to vivisect Paltrow so she can be fit into a deep fryer and fried to golden-brown perfection.

After explaining her BFF status with both workout guru Tracy Anderson and human-sausage-in-Crocs Mario Batali, Gwyneth does some Madonna worshiping, revealing that Madge helped diagnose and treat Paltrow’s postpartum depression by “reorganizing (her) molecules.”

The really good venom is dripping all over discussion of her lifestyle newsletter/blog, Goop, with its recipes using “any kind of caviar (salmon roe would be good)” and “salt from Mallorca that’s infused with hibiscus … it’s floral and delicious.”

Last month Goop featured book recommendations from Gywneth’s “literary-minded girlfriends,” which includes (surprise!) Madonna Ciccone, who “rules the world.” Christy Turlington recommended “Pride and Prejudice.” (Hmm, that’s the 11 millionth time someone’s mentioned that book in the past 15 years. I should see if my library has it.)

The real problem with Goop and Gwyneth in general is that she doesn’t notice the pain and suffering all around as she talks up watches costing $1850. She’s a Recession Denier, a blithely unconcerned Marie Antoinette.

Gwyneth shot back in British (of course) Elle, saying she can’t pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year and ended with a pithy, “Fuck the haters!” But it’s fun to hate clueless celebrities. As Rebecca Traister wrote on Slate, “Shine on, you crazy rich girl!”

LATE-BREAKING DEVELOPMENT: Oh, good night. It’s now being reported that she has converted to Kaballah, the kicker in her campaign to annoy the hell out of us.

4. First Blink-182 announces last Sunday at the Grammys that they’re reuniting, and now Limp Bizkit is back in business. Are they doin’ it all for the nookie or the love of creating timeless music together? Nope. Sounds like it’s for whatever money they can wring out of ’90s nostalgia for the snotty rockers. ”We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other,” is frontman Fred Durst’s heartfelt statement. I can’t think of a better reason to waste ticketgoers’ money, can you?

5. Is anyone following Ashton and Demi on Twitter? They’re working overtime to overshare in 140 characters or less. First there was some sort of conflict with their neighbors, and now Ashton is using the beloved social media tool to bring back the ascot. As Defamer says, look what this fashion savant did for trucker hats. Soon all of the men in our lives will be rocking the ascot in their afterhours.

6. U2 will be in residency on “Late Night with David Letterman” for FIVE nights, March 2 through 6. That’s the week the band’s new album drops. So will they be the playing like any other musical act, or will they be sitting in with Paul Shaffer and Co.? Or will Paul and his crew have the week off? Desperate move or smart marketing? Doesn’t it remind you of Celine Dion setting up shop in Las Vegas so she didn’t have to travel to where the fans were?

7. And in the “You Had To Know This Was Coming” department, the life of Anna Nicole Smith will be celebrated in opera, to be performed in London’s Covent Garden in 2011. The libretto will be written by Richard Thomas, who co-created the Jerry Springer opera. However, the Anna Nicole opera won’t be “a horrible, sleazy evening,” says the opera house’s director. “It’s not going to be tawdry.”

Oh, it won’t? Then explain why the premier opera house in London is mining American tabloids for material. You could be polite and ignore our freak shows, as we try to do, instead of putting a fright wig on it and trotting it out on your venerable stages. The British. Nothing more than assholes with accents.

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