I don’t know about all y’all, but the third season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” which began last night on E!, couldn’t come a moment too soon. As a busy mom raising a daughter in this crazy media- and sex-saturated world of ours, it’s comforting to see the grace and aplomb Kris Kardashian employs with her comely brood and how her firm yet gentle guidance has yielded such proper young ladies, especially when one of them gets herself in a pickle.
Some invaluable tips I picked up last night:
1. When you suspect you might be in trouble with the judge who sentenced you to probation for a DUI because you missed two consecutive “don’t drink and drive” classes, it’s best to try to unnerve your family by discussing your mother and stepfather’s sex life in graphically oral terms.
2. Then, when the other shoe does fall, call your mom on your pink phone and ask her in a sing-song voice: “Guess who’s going to jaaa-il?” When she’s understandably horrified, screech in your best put-upon socialite voice, “How do you think I feel?”
3. Don’t worry about disappointing the long-suffering member of the franchise family, Bruce Jenner, because he gave up on you long ago. When he hears the news, he’ll respond with a hearty, “Really?! Congratulations!” and put his hand up for a high-five.
4. But since it’s in his best interest to, you know, give a crap, given that he finances his plastic surgery habit with motivational speaking gigs, he gamely reads from the script: “She’s a good kid, she made a mistake, and she’s going to have to pay for it. But I can guarantee you, she’s never going to have this problem again.” Bwwwaaaahaaahaa! Wanna make a bet, track star?
5. As the mom, deflect judgment of your less than stellar parenting skills by reminding the audience your girls are the victims of both divorce and a deceased father. Insinuate that since he was one of the celebrity lawyers who sprung OJ, he could make this DUI thing go away with a snap of the fingers. Give a big sigh and lament, “I just wish Daddy were here to give us all advice. I wish he were around to come and tell us all what to do. If he was alive today, we wouldn’t be going through any of this.”
6. When you’re having your hair done on the morning you head to the gray bar hotel and the presence of TMZ at your home’s security gates has your mother a bit on edge, be sure to yell, “Maaaaa-ooooom, suck my @#$%!”
7. When your attention-whoring daughter is confused by why the show’s cameras aren’t focusing on her this particular morning, snap, “Kim, stop taking pictures of yourself. Your sister’s going to jail.”
8. Act annoyed by the swarms of paparazzi. WHO ARE BEING FILMED BY YOUR OWN REALITY CREW.
9. When your daughter’s DUI-related sentence is commuted from 30 days to 3 hours due to jailhouse overcrowding, announce to your children that you’ll be going straight home where you and their stepfather will give them a stern lecture on the hazards of irresponsible behavior. Oh, wait, no. The announcement was more like, “I have only one word for tonight: vodka.”
10. Despite the fact that it’s still daytime, head to the nearest establishment with both a liquor license and valet parking and tell your server, “We’re celebrating. We’re actually numbing.” Compete with oldest daughter to see who can get the most shitfaced.
11. Wave away concerns of parolee daughter’s howling protests: “I can’t be surrounded by drunk people right now!”
12. Wake up late on a morning you don’t have to go to work typical morning to find the story of your 173-hour prison stay in the celebrity tabloids. Moan, “It’s so depressing. It makes me not want to lift a finger.”
13. Worried that the viewers might come to the same inevitable conclusion – Epic Parenting Fail – cook up an unresolved-feelings-about-ex storyline to throw everyone off your scent. Say things like, “I feel like I’m going through all these weird feelings about Robert Kardashian. … I feel so desperately guilty that I wasn’t there at the end when he passed away. I initiated the divorce. … It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.”
14. Listen to sage advice from one of your daughters: “You’ve got to let it go”
Think deeply before responding, “Yeah.”
15. Reach out to your sister in her time of need by sharing what has worked for you throughout the years: “You have to get dressed up, look cute and go out. Face it, get it over with, and start by going out to, like, dinner or something.”
16. Buck up! Lord knows you’ve suffered enough. Ignore the haters and get yourself all gussied up in your hot tranny mess best! “I know I’m not a bad person. Kim’s right. I should go out. I should enjoy my life. I don’t need to sitting home all the time.”
17. Achieve closure with your dead ex in the most dramatic manner possible, the way Madonna did in her reality-show-prototype documentary “Truth or Dare”: Go to gravesite and cry. Bring flowers. Wipe your tears away without taking sunglasses off. Choose to include the public in this touching moment. (In Kris’ case, be sure to arrive in your blindingly white Mercedes Hummeround.)
18. After the show airs, call up Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working man in show business, and thank him for handing this delicate family situation with his trademarked subtlety.
Read the day’s other lists over at Anna’s:
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
abdpbt 03.09.09 at 2:24 pm
Wow, I need to start watching this season, I guess. Khloe’s clearly learning from her stint in the joint, eh?
abdpbt’s last blog post..6 Motivational Posters for Existentialists
J. 03.09.09 at 6:22 pm
Almost makes me want to watch, although I think your recap is probably FAR more entertaining and doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out.
J.’s last blog post..IMHO
Liz A. 03.12.09 at 1:50 pm
Yeah, i’m sticking to your recap. My husband’s recent obsession with the Tool Academy is enough reality for me.
I will admit, if I feel really crappy putting on all my makeup and really fixing my hair can help. My Granny always said, “You can’t expect to feel good on the inside if you don’t try to look good on the outside.”
Liz A.’s last blog post..Little Update and Story Request.