Whether because our budget is tighter than the skin on Nicole Kidman’s forehead or because I’m plain-old old, I find I just don’t log in the hours at the local mall like I once did. A visit on Saturday left me feeling like an anthropologist from another culture.
1. To the giraffe purse: Congratulations on your longevity! I for one would never have predicted you’d do so well, and across so many age ranges. Your multigenerational appeal is stronger even than Vera Bradley’s. You look just as good with mom jeans as you do with micro-minis so short they should be classified as “ass cap” instead of skirt.
2. If you think there’s nothing less dignified than the security guard on a Segway, what about a helmeted security guard on a Segway? Ma’am, I apologize for my daughter’s stares. How you deal with the taunts of teenage marauders is unknown to me. Guess that’s why they don’t let you carry a piece. Now, if mall security could ride a $10,000 Ferrari Segway, that would be fly!
3. The ass-cap girls should swing by the Dead Sea salt kiosk. If what those purported Israelis were able to remove from my hands is any indication, they can do wonders with the cottage cheese you got back there. (Seriously, everyone hawking Dead Sea salt scrub at the Haywood Mall is from Israel? I wonder what they’d say if I asked for an application.)
4. In a city with limited choices for good Asian food and a Thai chain in the food court ready and waiting, Chick-fil-A has the longest lines. (Shakes head.)
5. Nice ladies at the Indian clothing kiosk without any customers: It seemed like a great idea to capitalize on the love for “Slumdog Millionaire,” but I guess the Bollywood look isn’t catching on like the newspapers’ styles sections said it would. If you offered threading, however, I’d visit you twice a month.
6. Does anyone really want to look like the makeup artists behind the MAC counter? When you employ Dame Edna as a spokes … um, woman? … what demographic are you going for exactly?
7. No, you can’t have Dippin’ Dots, sweetheart. When you’re older you’ll appreciate the irony that the fact that it looks like pastel-colored styrofoam pellets is both why you want it AND why I’m saying no.
8. Yes, those kids do look like they’re having fun at that birthday party at Build-A-Bear. Can you what, honey? (Stall, look for distraction.) Hey! Let’s go see if J.Crew is still trying to pull one over on us with those tissue Ts.
9. To the guy buying a Coach bag for his girlfriend with a pile of cash: I don’t think they’re asking for your ZIP Code for law enforcement reasons, so you’re probably OK. And since you seem to have an ethical issue with credit cards, perhaps Coach will accept traveler’s checks next time.
10. To the lady lugging a bulky package from Williams Sonoma in one hand while wrangling a preschooler with the other, taking the long way around the very crowded mall on a rainy Saturday in an effort to prevent said preschooler from hearing the sounds of children running amok at the snot-slicked indoor play area, I feel your pain. And the fact that the Willy S purchase is a gift and isn’t even for you? You poor thing. Put the kid to bed and pamper yourself with a Dead Sea salt manicure tonight.
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abdpbt 03.16.09 at 6:21 pm
It’s good to hear that malls are mostly the same throughout the country. That giraffe purse, though, that’s a Southern thing.
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Liz A. 03.16.09 at 6:29 pm
I heart ChickFilA. Is it lame to still say, “I heart something?” My husband and I were discussing yesterday how I was hungover and really, really wanted a lemonade, waffle fries, and a chicken sandwich. Effing Christian based corporations. Their biscuits suck as much as J. Crew is overpriced. I despise Thai food, can’t pinpoint a reason exactly. Maybe I ordered the wrong thing.
I don’t get the giraffe purses.
I always wanted Dippin Dots. They were new and I had never had them and my mother refused to let me have them even once. It used to really stick in my craw, which is why I get them every time I’m at a fair, sports event, etc.
I almost bought one of those Indian dress type things in Vegas and then she said it was $45. I walked away and she said $35. I told her $25 total and she looked at me like I had grown a third head. I’m weird when it comes to how much I’ll pay for something. I don’t care if it’s $10 and I’m about to spend that in like 45 seconds at a BJ table, I’m not paying $40 for hemmed fabric.
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eliz 03.16.09 at 6:42 pm
@abdpbt – No giraffe purses in LA? Guess that’s why I have seen Reese Witherspoon or Gwen Stefani carrying one in InStyle.
@Liz A – Chick-fil-A will do half tea/half lemonade. Mmmm. Just, you know, not on Sundays.
My daughter will probably grow up to avenge her Dippin’ Dots-deprived childhood, too.
J. 03.16.09 at 7:29 pm
I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to style, but I think the giraffe purse is ugly, and I’m not opposed to ALL animal prints (see: Diablo Cody). I’ve never been to Chick-fil-a, although a few of my friends sing it’s praises, and I think “ass-cap” is the perfect description for those itty-bitty minis.
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KK 03.16.09 at 9:01 pm
Awesome and oh-so-true blog! LUV it!
Unlike others, I actually like the Giraffe Purse… then again, I’ve never been known as a spokesperson for today’s “current” fashions. But what the hey — I can still certainly turn heads (perhaps it’s my unfashionably scuffed but comfy shoes? Which would undoubtedly highlight and creatively augment my awesome new giraffe purse… )!
Ginny Marie 03.16.09 at 9:41 pm
The only Williams Sonoma items I have bought were for my sister in law. I’m too cheap to treat myself to WS. Did I say cheap? I meant frugal. And Dippin’ Dots? Ew.
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Emily 03.17.09 at 10:18 am
I think the giraffe purses are ugly. And, yeah, ass-cap is a great way to describe those teeny-weeny mini skirts!
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Christine 03.17.09 at 10:37 am
I can’t remember the last time I laughed and nodded in agreement/recognition so hard. Thanks! By the way, a recent trip to NYC’s Chinatown is a testement to the giraffe purse not thriving only in southern states.
Charlotte 03.19.09 at 12:16 pm
You are hilarious. You say stuff I only say to my husband and best friend – although he thinks I should start letting my freak-flag fly more prominently on my blog. It’s just hard to do when the main audience on your blog is conservative Catholic.
Thanks for mentioning Coach purses. I’ve had an axe to grind with those purses for while, and I think you’ve given me the motivation to write about it.
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Animal Prints 07.15.09 at 3:38 pm
I just love your giraffe print purse it’s so much in style today. I just came back from NY and was amazed at how many animal print outfits were in the stores.
eliz 07.15.09 at 10:44 pm
Oh, I know! I’m always amazed at those giraffe purses, too.