10 Things Barack Obama Didn’t Manage to Accomplish in His First 100 Days

Technically, our president still has two days to go, but it’s unlikely he’ll get any of these things done by Wednesday:

Reprogramming W’s speed-dial presets in the Oval Office. Rush Limbaugh axed; Oprah now #1.
Continuing to ease U.S. policy toward Cuba by facilitating negotiations to open a Hooters in Havana.
Banning the fetid herb cilantro from the White House kitchen garden.
Crafting a bailout of the embattled prostitution industry in Nevada.
Convincing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to take one trip abroad after another to keep her out of the country.
Hiring Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the administration’s liaison to the geek constituency and Russell Brand as liaison to the ex-pat British wanker constituency, a la Kal Penn’s White House gig.
Teaching Bo to growl whenever “The Colbert Report” is on.
Returning a purity ring sucked up by a vacuum cleaner after the Jonas Brothers’ surprise visit.
Covering for Tim Geithner’s tacit support of bonuses for execs of banks that received TARP money. “Bonus? The Treasury secretary thought they were giving themselves doughnuts.“
Getting Congress to approve the use of waterboarding for anyone who tries to cast Paris Hilton in a movie. Or lets her make any more CDs.
Holding almost as many prime-time press conferences in 100 days as George W. Bush held in his entire eight years. Oh, wait. Obama’s already done that.