Dear Bwenyth,
Just a quick thank you – ever so much – for bringing readers to my blog. People looking for stories about your Oscar-winning career and much-discussed fashion choices make up a huge proportion of my audience, as evidenced by my stats. Your name is the most common search-engine term that leads people here. It’s searched for five times more than the second-most-common search term for that day, which is usually something like “sriracha” or even “tinksmom.” And it’s my blog. They want to know more about you than they do me!
Every day the most popular post on my blog is one I wrote Feb. 13, when I mentioned you, perhaps not in the most flattering way. You weren’t even the subject of the entire post. Yet because of that post, fan and foe alike drop by in huge numbers, hoping for another glimpse into the rarefied world you inhabit. They want a peek at the luxury you surround yourself with, the discipline you exhibit when it comes to taking care of your health. They want to see you playing the role of the regular old mom to Foses and Snapple.
They most likely end up here after visiting BOOP, your fabulous lifestyle newsletter. I would imagine reading your courtly advice on makeup and the hottest kid-friendly restaurants on both coasts, one just isn’t sated. Appetite piqued, they search on, wanting to see you make, go, get, do, see and be more.
These readers search this blog using you name, or something like “photos of Bwyneth Maltrow.” Even when they spell your name wrong they find their way here.
I know how to spell your name, but, Bwyneth, I’m reluctant to use it on this public forum. You have given me so much already. I fear to write about you any more is cheap – a clumsy, transparent grab at attracting readers. It’s a surefire way to drive up my page views, that’s for sure, but I can’t take advantage of your generosity. That’s why I’ve disguised your name. This way I can thank you properly while avoiding the accusations that I’m using you, that I’m some sort of blog whore. This little note is just between us.
So thank you, Bwyneth. Thank you for being the sort of celebrity who inspires such disgust and fascination that readers stumble upon me in their quest for unsavory gossip the latest reports about you. Thank you for BOOP and thank you for giving your children such unusual names and thank you for marrying that guy from that wildly successful band no one will admit liking. Thank you for your friendships with celebrities with pusses as sour as yours. Thank you for your trademarked macrobiotic diet and impatience with commoners. Thank you for the flaxen hair that has earned you comparisons to Grace Kelly. Thank you for screwing over Winona Ryder for the lead in “Shakespeare in Love.” Thank you for hanging out with Mario Batali in an effort to make us believe you eat food and tolerate fat people. You’re a very special person. You’ve given far more than I could ever return.
Because if it weren’t for your haughty good looks and your other remarkable qualities, the number of hits I receive daily would be low indeed. It would just be a handful of former co-workers and my mom hanging out here.
So, Bwyneth, please, if there is anything I can do for you, all you need to do is ask. I might not be writing about you much in the future, but rest assured it’s not because you’re not giving me the material to work with.
Yours sincerely,
Eliz
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Kerry 05.22.09 at 5:01 am
It’s worse when your top search term is “naked boob” (or clearly preteen variations, like “nakid boobys.”) That one post I did about the candidate whose boob popped out during the interview is likely going to be printed on the back of my tombstone.
Years ago I actually did a search for Bwenyth myself, looking for photos of a short haircut she had in a movie called “Sliding Doors.” I was amazed at all the crap that came up. Who are the people who care what sort of fruit she was seen eating at lunchtime?
Kerry’s last blog post..How to Get Noticed in a Sea of Candidates
eliz 05.22.09 at 5:13 am
@Kerry – I liked the “Sliding Doors” haircut on her. That was when she and Brad had matching ‘dos.
I think there should be a National Search Term Blogging Day, where every blogger blogs about the icky searches that people have done. I have never seen “nakid boobys” show up in my stats, but I seem to get a lot of things like “hot mom and daughter” or “sex with milf.” I have a feeling these teenage boys (it’s got to be teenage boys) would be disappointed if they ever met me.
abdpbt 05.22.09 at 7:07 am
Dude, I HAD the Sliding Doors haircut. What are the odds.
I get hits for toddler porn. Think about that for a couple of minutes.
abdpbt’s last blog post..Tanya: Night Train (II)
eliz 05.22.09 at 7:42 am
Anyone whose fingers have ever typed the words “toddler porn” deserve to be disemboweled by rabid pit bulls after being forced to watch multiple episodes of “Designing Women.”
Which day are we all going to post photos of our Sliding Doors haircuts?
abdpbt 05.22.09 at 3:12 pm
Yeah, I kind of think that the people googling “toddler porn” are more looking for Oprah-type expose sites or something. But then, maybe I am giving the child molesters too much credit for knowing not to create a virtual paper trail.
abdpbt’s last blog post..Tanya: Night Train (II)
Kerry 05.22.09 at 3:17 pm
I ended up not getting the Sliding Doors haircut at the time. I’m considering it now though. Actually I am considering shaving my head, because I am SICK to DEATH of dealing with my hair. I’m pretty sure that movie is at least 10 years old, though, so I probably would be way out of style if I got it. I just bought a bunch of those “short haircut” magazines for ideas. I’m leaning towards one of Katie Holmes (even though I don’t know who she is, aside from the fact that she is apparently married to Tom Cruise).
I thought about the “toddler porn” thing for a sec, but then I had to stop. I am just going to tell myself that it’s all ChickenLiver commenters, not real sickos.
Hey, how come you can’t check the “email comments to me” box on this blog? I have Thesis too, and it lets me do that. Or am I just blind/stupid and not seeing it?
Kerry’s last blog post..Meet the Penthouse Guy
eliz 05.22.09 at 3:53 pm
@Kerry – I’m having some sort of problem with my feed, which is why the “e-mail comments” box is nowhere to be found. When I leave comments on other sites with CommentLuv, I get no luvin’, either. No one can help me figure out how to fix it.
abdpbt 05.27.09 at 2:35 pm
I came back to get a link to where we were talking about the Sliding Doors haircut, since I cannot take total credit for the reference in my post today. Maybe you need to burn a new feed? Or copy and paste the address again into commentluv or something?
abdpbt’s last blog post..Jon And Kate Plus Or Minus Hate
Kenny 10.18.09 at 12:58 am
My wife had a Sliding Doors haircut for a little while. But she grew out of it very quickly.
Kenny´s last blog ..MC Hammer Costume
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