Friday Quickies, Vol. 11

1. If you happened to miss the two-part “Real Housewives of New York City” reunion, this is for you:

For those who did see it, confirm for the others: Sums things up brilliantly, wouldn’t you say?

2. Have you purchased your Three Wolf Moon T-shirt yet? Get on it, man, before they’re all gone. You do realize the lupine powers this shirt possesses? “Most shirts like this only contain one wolf,” one astonished reviewer wrote on Amazon. “This shirt has three wolves, plus a moon. You are basically getting three wolves and a moon for the price on one wolf. You won’t find that deal anywhere else.”

That’s not even the half of it. Hear what other satisfied customers say:

• “I’m swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials.”
• “I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn’t think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie.”
• “You don’t put this shirt on your torso you put it on your soul.”

The Three Wolf Moon mania started with one review, according to the BBC News, and went viral from there. (Like the Tuscan Whole Milk reviews of 2006. I’m going to pretend I’m all hip and shit, but between us, this is the first I’ve read about the super awesome Tuscan Whole Milk.) Some of the writing there on Amazon is pretty good, and of course there is the requisite haiku to the T-shirt. 

So who will be the first celebrity to show up in public sporting this bit of ironic fashion? Or this?

3. It is a frightening time to be the mother of a girl. You think you’re protecting your daughter by buying organic milk, but apparently bovine growth hormones are only one factor in the complicated problem of early-onset puberty. A study found that a history of sexual abuse is linked to early menstrual periods in all girls and, sadly, explains why African-American girls are generally younger at puberty. 

This story in the Daily Beast by Hannah Seligson puts the issue into scary social perspective – not only has the pace of early puberty picked up dramatically, but no one is doing anything about it. Plasticizers such as BPA have been identified as a primary culprit, but U.S. laws governing toxic substances haven’t been sufficiently updated. In the meantime, our daughters are sitting ducks.

Seligson’s story wisely points out the biggest danger in this puberty crisis: the fact that little girls aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with the sexual attention their blossoming bodies attract. Our children are becoming more and more vulnerable, and nothing can be done about it, it would seem. 

Call me a socially conservative environmental nut (a new hybrid, to be sure), but I think dealing with early puberty should be job 1, ahead of allowing 17-year-olds to buy Plan B over the counter or deciding who knows the best way to sexually educate our children – Bristol Palin or Meghan McCain. 

Boobies and Barbie dolls don’t mix. It sickens me that our children’s childhoods will be cut even shorter than ours were.

4. In the June issue of Self magazine, Beyonce disses the “gym look” of some celebrities, saying curvy girls with some meat on their bones look better than overly worked out bodies. No names, of course, but check out these photos side by side. 

I’d like to point out to Beyonce that not all women who go to the gym wind up looking like a collection of sinews connected to ligaments accented by unchewable connective tissue all wrapped up in 50-year-old skin (wearing a top hat), but who am I to correct Beyonce? She’s got the slamming body of a real woman, thighs and all. Someone like Elizabeth Hurley would probably call Beyonce fat, but if that’s fat, it’s fine by me.

5. Join me in oogling Victoria Beckham’s Birkin and Kelly collection, will you? So pretty! Some $2 million USD worth of luxury animal hides with handles, she reportedly has. This should repulse me but it doesn’t. Victoria Beckham herself should repulse me, but no. I think it’s because she’s a throwback to an earlier generation of “star,” one who would never be photographed wearing sweats and Uggs, sans makeup. She’s so theatrically ladylike that it’s hard to get too upset over the ridiculous get-ups she wears to soccer matches. She’s our modern-day Wallis Simpson, pushing the limits of thinness and richness. You go, Posh. Buy all the Hermes bags I can’t afford.

6. Do you think either Beyonce or Posh suffer from “tingling thigh syndrome“? Super-skinny jeans cut off the femoral cutaneous nerve and can cause tingling, burning and numbness. The condition’s made even worse by wearing skinny jeans with high heels. Fortunately for its victims, TTS doesn’t cause permanent damage.

7. Yeah, here’s just what guys have been looking for – the Plunge, a wedding Web site for dudes. Complete with how-tos on buying a ring and planning a honeymoon. And classic advice about bachelor parties: Avoid cliches but make it “epic”! How many productivity hours will be lost in the American workplace with the launch of the Plunge, do you suppose? Can’t you just picture all the guys in your office wasting away hours there, just like their female colleagues do on the Knot? More importantly, what guy would admit to writing or working for the Plunge?

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Tagged as: Birkin, fashion, handbags, Hermes, puberty, Real Housewives of New York City