1. Lola from “Charlie and Lola.” We all love how Charlie looks after the daffy Lola, but it’s time Lola showcases more of her range, which just won’t happen when your big brother is there to steer you right whenever you get into a jam. I think Lola has the potential to make it really big. Bigger than Miley Cyrus or Lindsay Lohan before her fall. She could be the next Bridget Jones, only with a real British accent. Lola needs to tell her agent to look out for scripts involving living in a tiny apartment (maybe with Lotta!) in a newly gentrified section of London and working for an arrogant buffoon of a boss in a generic office environment. Or an adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. She could star opposite Handy Manny. Preschool girls across the country will cut their naps short on opening weekend to see Lola and Manny ride bicycles across wooden bridges and will lose their shit when her hideously stuffy parents ban all playdates with the coarse, working-class Manny. “It’s not fair!” they’ll wail all the way home until you pull into the drive-through of Chick-fil-A to get a cookies and cream milkshake, anything to get the weeping to stop.
2. Tuck from “Wonder Pets!” Everyone knows Linny owns that show, and the less said about Ming Ming’s annoying fake baby voice the better. (Scene whore.) Tuck is tragically underused in this adventure caper, and I’m sure his percentage of the grosses is a pittance compared to the guinea pig and the duck, so it’s high time this turtle starts looking out for numero uno. (Also, the celery. Does Tuck ever get his share when Linny proclaims it celery time? No!) I see Tuck doing a brilliant turn as a troubled adolescent, like Jake Gyllenhaal in “The Good Girl” or Matt Damon in “Good Will Hunting.” He’ll be the toast of Sundance. He’ll become Gus Van Sant’s new muse.
3. Aah (the red monkey). Aah’s forever playing second banana to Ooh, like Ernie is to Bert, or Beavis to Butt-Head. If anyone’s ripe to strike out on his own, it’s Aah with his gift for gross-out humor. He needs to see if the Frat Pack has room for another funny guy. I hear Ben Stiller’s the one to talk to. Or maybe Will Ferrell. If Aah can get in touch directly with writers/directors Adam McKay or Judd Apatow, even better. I picture Aah as the lovable-loser sidekick in the next Jason Segel comedy.
4. Olivia. She needs to inquire if there’s a Jennifer Hudson-like part in the “Sex and the City” sequel. I’ve heard she’s being trying to get Patricia Field do the wardrobe for her Nick Jr. show, so “SATC” would be a dream come true for her. She’s a no-brainer to play Carrie’s new assistant. Watch the girlfight that ensues when Olivia borrows Carrie’s Manolos – two pairs at a time!
5. Smitty from “The Imagination Movers.” Would be perfect if the Kenny Chesney biopic is ever greenlighted.
6. Kai-lan. Kai-lan’s a groundbreaker in the mode of Dora, but if she continues playing America’s favorite plucky Chinese girl, she runs the risk of being typecasted, and then her only choices will be playing chess prodigies or violin prodigies. This would be the time for her to take a really daring role, like that of a trailer-dwelling meth addict or a brave escapee from a polygamist sect who’s forced to leave her children behind.
7. DJ Lance Rock from “Yo Gabba Gabba.” Before you scoff that DJ Lance is just a children’s performer, remember that Morgan Freeman got his start on “The Electric Company.”
8. June from “Little Einsteins.” June has a far better shot than Leo, Quincy or Annie at a career in film because, well, because she’s bitchier. She wouldn’t think twice about stealing a juicy part from her supposed best friend and that, ladies and gentleman, is how to make it as a movie star.
9. Handy Manny. Once Manny establishes himself as a Leonardo DiCaprio-esque heartthrob (see above), he’ll be box office gold. He’ll have his choice of the best parts and the best directors (Scorsese, Spielberg, Eastwood). He’ll star in those really masculine dramas that Sean Penn and Daniel Day-Lewis do and that I avoid because there’s no designer wardrobe or scenes shot in the hottest restaurants.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Christine 06.09.09 at 5:27 am
This list is fantastic!
abdpbt 06.09.09 at 8:15 am
Love it. Especially love the fact that I know ALL of these characters, no explanation needed. And I have noticed that Tuck always gets the crap end of the celery, with the leafy stuff on it. Lola and Charlie is a new addition to Mini’s Tivo playlist, but I have to admit the little britishisms they’re always trading like, “I was only kidding, etc.” So funny.
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eliz 06.16.09 at 2:18 pm
I think I love “Charlie and Lola” more than Tink does. If she had her way she’d watch dreck like “Special Agent Oso.”
Locksmith Baltimore MD 04.16.10 at 11:42 am
Well, I think all of those cartoons are fun and ok for kids to watch them. It is good to know there are some good stuff that we can allow our childrem to watch. However, my favorite one is Lola so far. I like that thing about siblings.