I know someone whose husband is spending $2000 a month on hookers, I recently learned. In addition to the financial evidence, as she knew the monthly figure, she also found an ad he had placed. Not surprisingly, he’s not looking for the kind of sex that ends with lots of talking into the night about the beautiful children you share and your plans for your future together.
My first reaction was smirky, since this isn’t the first bit of choice gossip to come out of this marriage. But very soon, I found myself slamming drawers in my kitchen and flinging dish towels around as I went about my day. I was taking it entirely personally.
I know there was no logic at all to my mood. If, before I heard this news, you were to ask me whether I thought that there was anyone on earth who spent $2000 a month on hookers, I’d say sure. I’ll bet there’s someone who spends $50,000, or even $100,000. Or wastes $2000 in any number of ways. There are people with more money than us and people with less, as there always will be.
I know this, and yet I was overcome by the sort of hopeless anger that takes over my home and peace of mind at least once a week. Anger that comes from the frustration over having no control over our circumstances. Every time we assess where we are, an unhealthy funk settles on both Chuck and me, and it takes us days to shake it off. Of all the questions that come with our situation, the one we can’t escape – nor figure out – is, What have we done to deserve this?
Because when there are people who are so abundantly rewarded that, even after the hefty mortgage and private schooling and their other expenses are taken care of, they have money to spend so stupidly (even criminally), it feels that we’re being punished. My husband works 90 to 100 hours a week and it breaks his heart that he can’t provide health insurance as someone else’s husband collects a fat paycheck for less than half Chuck’s hours and spends the excess on prostitutes. Since there’s no fairness here, it must be a punishment.
Another possibility is that we’ve been given this grueling trial as a sanctification process. So that when our ship does come in, we’ll have a new compassion and wisdom with which to handle our bounteous wealth. OK, fine. If this is what I need to go through so I can be assured that my husband will never spend our hard-earned money on hookers with equal opportunity orifices, I accept this tribulation. But if you think I’ll make a similar vow about handbags that could feed a family of six for two months, you must be joking.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
CBF 07.24.09 at 7:00 pm
Some of the superlux purses with that hand rubbed chevre lining can serve multiple purposes
GlassHalfFull 07.27.09 at 1:12 pm
Hang in there chick. I hear this ALL the time lately (and yes most the time I don’t believe it) BUT it will pay off. And I’ve always believed…good things happen to good people.
eliz 07.27.09 at 2:00 pm
You rock, sister. And of course, you need to remember these wise words yourself. I’m back from embarrassing myself in Chicago. When we going to work it out?
Betty Beguiles 07.28.09 at 9:37 pm
Excellent post! Jen and I were just discussing how much we enjoyed it.
(Oh, and thanks for the support. I know you know how tough it is. You guys are in my prayers!)
Betty Beguiles´s last blog ..With Gratitude
eliz 07.28.09 at 10:12 pm
You are so sweet to comment, Betty. I can imagine how much you’ve got going on right now. If you get time, please post and let us know how things are going. Transitions suck, there’s no way around it. I keep reminding myself: 1. We’re not given more than we can handle (haaaa!), and 2. We are never alone. He’s always with us.
Liz A. 09.01.09 at 7:53 pm
Like you say, there’s always those who have more or less but I’m assuming this blog exists to help in your finances. And I know blogs are for ranting, but I think you’re walking a fine line in alienating readers. Now if you really don’t care about that then please ignore my opinion.
You make it seem like it’s also unfair to anybody who doesn’t suffer financially. My husband was in school for astro physics when he realized accounting was more secure. Physics is now just an interest even though it was his dream to work at NASA. He excels at his career and works 90 hours a week about three times a year, but he doesn’t love his job. He’s not passionate about financial forecasts, but he finds seeing his 401k grow preferable to his poor childhood. Life isn’t fair, but it’s also full of choices.
I don’t mean to trivialize your struggle because not having enough money sucks donkey balls. I worked for Carrabba’s and opened a store and the first 18 months sales were not sufficient and the proprietor was forced out of the company after 15 years. It broke my heart, but it’s a risk. On the bright side, the restaurant is successful now five years later, so hang in there.
Liz A.´s last blog ..Gran Torino
eliz 09.01.09 at 8:36 pm
@Liz A. – Well, first of all, I haven’t made a dime from my blog. And, based on the number of readers I have, when the revenue from the BlogHer ads on my site does come in, a dime is about all I’m expecting. That’s not the most important point I’d like to make in response to your comment, but that’s the easiest to tackle.
It stings to hear this post called a “rant.” It was an unflinching account of my reaction, and the tiniest bit brave, since it was difficult to write about. I don’t know how and when I gave the impression that I feel it’s only fair that everyone suffer financially. I don’t believe that. By the same token – the flip side of the EXACT same coin – it’s not fair that we do. We’re working as hard as we can, my husband goes months without a day off, blah, blah, blah, other stuff you don’t care to hear. It’s just awfully hard to accept that hard work does not always equal a paycheck, ya know?
I’m not naive enough to think people don’t do all sorts of objectionable things with their money. But when you hear of someone you know spending money in an immoral and criminal way when – yes, I’ll admit it – at times all I can think about is my own bleak situation, it’s like a punch in the gut. Some people get hookers while we don’t get health insurance?
When I read phrases like “it’s a risk” and “life’s full of choices,” all I hear is “You made your bed, now shut up about it.” I think I can step outside of myself enough to look at this post honestly and I don’t know how I could alienate anyone with it. (Except for hookers and their johns, I suppose.) This is a personal blog (where I write about things that affect me, personally), but even I don’t want it to be all about the restaurant. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, because there are times I find when I don’t write about it, I’m too depressed to write at all. I’d love to have you as a reader, but I’m not going to promise I won’t write about our situation again.
And I even flatter myself enough to think what I have to say might be of help to others who are experiencing troubles due to the still-recovering economy.
Liz A. 09.01.09 at 9:06 pm
I’m sorry, I did not intend to say anything that stung. And I let your post rub me the wrong way for personal reasons, I apologize for that. I was spoiled in high school and then living off the last canister of oatmeal, working two jobs poor. I have more wisdom because of it, but a lot more cynacism as well.
I think you’re funny and a talented writer. I envy the ability, if you can’t tell I have some difficulty expressing myself in words. I’ve read your blog for months off and on.
On a few side notes, Tink is just the most precious little girl, it almost makes me think children are for me. And my assumption your blog made money was a compliment. It all seems rather official.
Liz A.´s last blog ..Gran Torino
eliz 09.01.09 at 9:18 pm
@Liz A. – OFFICIAL?! I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
It’s funny you say my post rubbed you wrong for personal reasons. That’s just what that hooker news did to me. That had NOTHING to do with me yet I managed to get all worked up and make it about me.
Reversals of fortune are extremely tough to deal with. I really found myself sympathizing with stories about the “recessionistas” who suddenly couldn’t afford shopping at Barney’s or had to sell the Hamptons house and what have you. Not that we had that much money back when we were gainfully employed, but I could understand the feeling that something was taken away from you, through no fault of your own. The unfairness of it all.
Please don’t apologize. I admit I’m very sensitive about this post. (Did I say sensitive? I meant raw. Did I say raw? I meant oozing and weeping.)