Craigslist Want Ad for 10 Obama Administration Czars

Presidential Advisers, aka Czars (1600 Pennsylvania Ave.)
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Date: 2009-09-07 09:00 AM EDT
Reply to: czarjobs@whitehouse.org
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*** Note – MUST BE A U.S. CITIZEN AND BE ABLE TO OBTAIN A CLEARANCE
*** IMMEDIATE NEED

The Obama Administration is looking to name czars for the following fields:

The Other Car Czar. Not the guy charged with saving the American auto industry, but a more practical car czar. This czar will make sure Caddy One is always stocked with newspapers, the latest Meg Cabot novels for the Obama girls, audiobooks, tissues, mints and hand sanitizer (all that hand-shaking as the nation girds itself for H1N1 season?!) and never has sticky cupholders.
Birthday Czar. Keeps track of every West Wing staffer’s birthday, as well as those of foreign dignitaries and strategic Hollywood celebrities. Responsible for having everyone sign the card, arranging to have the cake be delivered by 3 p.m. in the case of office parties and sending Edible Arrangements bouquets to those beyond the Beltway.
Pot Czar. Works in conjunction with the drug czar but will be charged specifically with promoting medical research proving marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol and setting up voter registration tables at Phish concerts.
Sweden Czar. Will work to foster stronger trade, economic and cultural ties with the Nordic nation. Bonus – your office will be outfitted with free furniture from Ikea!
Late-Night Comic Czar. Monitors Dave, Conan, the Jimmys and Craig for any mentions of the first family or the administration, puts flattering bits on You Tube and then Tweets them.
Social Media Czar. Oversees all Tweets, Twitpics and Twitter memes (in the vein of #whati’ddotofuckrahmemanuel) put out by the White House, including those from Bo. Also must maintain administration’s Facebook page and be willing to sabotage Republicans’ and talk radio hosts’ pages by bombarding them with quizzes and invitations and Mafia Wars maneuvers.
Beauty and Cosmetics Czar. Works with EPA, FDA and Green Czar (if one is reappointed) to get parabens, sulfates and other toxic substances out of beauty products. Would be helpful if candidate once championed batshit crazy ideas, like the Science Czar did. For example, a Cosmetics Czar who once wrote a piece for Mother Jones about how one can stop wearing aluminum-based deodorants and instead control perspiration and body odor with rhythmic yogic breathing would be fantastic.
Date-Night Czar. Scopes out possible locations for the first couple’s secret getaways. Restaurants helmed by chefs enamored with sustainable agriculture and theater by African-American playwrights are preferred, but this position welcomes creativity and the czar’s personal touch.
Shoe Czar. Manages the PR and fashion chatter after Mrs. Obama appears in public. Position is not limited to Mrs. Obama’s footwear choices. Ideal candidate will deflect criticism of expensive luxe items by pointing out the article of J. Crew clothing worn by the first lady that same day.
Vampire Czar. Arranges the schedule determining in whose Dupont Circle apartment the gang will meet to watch “True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and “Eastwick” (yes, we’re aware that’s about witches, but close enough).

These are prestigious posts. Technically, the czar reports to POTUS but the czar will in fact be autonomous. No pesky Senate confirmations, no baby-sitting by Congress. Must be willing to follow the team motto: Anonymous, unaccountable and invisible. Must also be willing to call Republicans “assholes” in public.

Location: Washington, DC, but telecommute OK!
Compensation: Competitive salary including medical benefits, 401K retirement plan and paid vacation.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about these jobs!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Read the day’s other lists over at Anna’s:
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