11 Other Things Martha Stewart Is Pissed About

You heard that correctly. I said pissed.

1. That I gave an ABC unprecedented access to my daily personal and business routine over two days and despite my legendary thoroughness, I forgot to add a rider that I receive the Barbara Walters soft-lighting Vaseline-on-the-lens treatment.
2. That that ex-cheerleader Rachel Ray wasn’t even upset about what I said. Why, when Julia Child called me “nothing more than a working-class Polish girl with good bone structure who refuses to give up that WASPy surname even though her husband divorced her for her assistant years ago,” I had the decency to go on a 10-day eating binge and then stay out of public until I lost most of the weight. I was brought up properly.
3. That I stayed up to attend a crowded midnight screening Friday, even going so far as to willingly embarrass myself by being the only one over 30 in the theater, and nobody even fucked.
4. That I get up at 4 a.m. with a dedication that borders on monastic to work out with light weights as is recommended for postmenopausal women, and those sugar hams with hairdos Paula Deen and Ina Garten not only nearly outstrip me in book sales and ratings but are beloved by all of America. A nation of hams in track suits, so why am I surprised?
5. That no one has ever acknowledged that that Diane Keaton movie where she ends up dating the business tycoon who dated her daughter was based on me. Ever. It’s not even one of those “widely known secrets,” either, like how “Heartburn” is really about Nora Ephron and Carl Bernstein. And do you know what? I wouldn’t have hesitated for a moment to do full-frontal while Jack Nicholson leered. And another thing? That kitchen in the film was BLATANTLY copied from my third-renovation kitchen at Turkey Hill.
6. That no one has stepped forward to loan out their uterus to my daughter, when she so has bravely gone public with her quest for a baby. Any child born to my daughter will live a life of rarefied privilege and that fact we don’t have thousands of healthy young handmaids on our doorstep just shows how indolent the youth of America has become.
7. That I served five long months inside and I’m not afforded the same respect as 50 Cent. I am not some 45-day-sentence Paris Hilton celebutante.
8. When I think of the number of employees I could have berated, fired, threatened to fire or humiliated in those five months, I, oh … I … I’m sorry. I need a moment.
9. That I have to make insipid small talk with Jessica Simpson and fend off lecherous come-ons from Donald Trump every time we film one of those Macy’s commercials. It gets so bad I actually look forward to getting a contact high from Carlos Santana.
10. That I have to make a gluten-free version of my celebrated stuffing this Thursday because of an ungrateful niece who chooses now to develop celiac disease.
11. That Diddy won’t be my cub.

Read the day’s other lists over at Anna’s:

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Tagged as: cooking show beefs, Martha Stewart